7 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Key Takeaways

• Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs) often face emotional neglect and instability, leading to trust issues and a fear of abandonment.
• ACoAs may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms such as perfectionism, control, and approval-seeking behaviors.
• ACoAs have a heightened risk of substance use disorders due to genetic and environmental factors.
• Therapeutic interventions can help ACoAs manage the fear of losing control and the tendency to seek excitement as a distraction.
• Healing for ACoAs is a personal process, and effective therapeutic interventions can include support groups, individual therapy, and educational resources.

What Are Adult Children of Alcoholics?

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs) are individuals who grew up in a household where one or both parents struggled with alcoholism. 

This upbringing often results in shared experiences among ACoAs, including exposure to instability, emotional neglect, and sometimes abuse. These environments can significantly shape their development, leading to common traits and coping mechanisms that persist into adulthood.  

Research indicates that ACoAs are more likely to face challenges in forming and maintaining healthy relationships, managing stress and conflict, and achieving personal and professional fulfillment. They may also have a heightened risk of developing substance use disorders themselves, a phenomenon influenced by both genetic and environmental factors. 

Furthermore, ACoAs often adopt coping strategies that, while initially serving as protection, can become maladaptive in adulthood, such as approval-seeking behaviors and a loss of personal identity.

7 Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

While every person is an individual and copes with being raised by an alcoholic parent in slightly different ways, many people end up displaying the following seven traits. 

#1: A Fear of Losing Control  

Adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) often grapple with a pervasive fear of losing control, a characteristic deeply rooted in their experiences of growing up in chaotic environments. 

The unpredictable behavior of an alcoholic parent can foster a sense of instability and insecurity in children, leading them to associate control with safety and predictability. As these children transition into adulthood, the fear of losing control can manifest in various aspects of their lives, including their personal relationships, work, and emotional well-being.

Research indicates that ACOAs may exhibit hypervigilance, a heightened state of awareness aimed at detecting potential threats, as a response to the unpredictability they faced during childhood. This can lead to a constant state of anxiety and an overwhelming need to manage every detail of their environment to prevent perceived dangers.  

ACOAs’ need for control is not only a defensive mechanism but also a learned behavior from having to navigate the instability and neglect within their family dynamics. It’s a survival strategy that, while once necessary, can lead to difficulties in adulthood, such as an inability to trust others, difficulty in accepting help, and a tendency to micromanage.  

#2: A Fear of Emotions and Intimacy  

Adult children of alcoholics often grapple with a profound fear of emotions and intimacy, a characteristic rooted in the emotional neglect they endured during their formative years. 

Emotional neglect, a form of child abuse, can result in long-term trauma that hinders the development of healthy relationships with self and others. This trauma can manifest as emotional dysregulation, anxiety, depression, and difficulties in forming and sustaining relationships.  

Emotional invalidation in childhood, where a child’s feelings and needs are dismissed, is linked to adult mental health issues like borderline personality disorder and pathological narcissism. Emotional neglect can also lead to a heightened fear of rejection, causing individuals to avoid situations where they might face criticism or rejection, thus limiting personal growth and opportunities. 

The impact on romantic relationships is particularly profound, as childhood emotional neglect can affect attachment style and the ability to form secure bonds in adulthood.

#3: Approval Seeking Behavior and Identity Loss  

Adult children of alcoholics often grapple with the tendency to seek approval and lose their own identity, a characteristic shaped by their need for stability and predictability in an unpredictable home environment. 

These individuals often develop maladaptive schemas, focusing excessively on the desires and responses of others, leading to approval-seeking behaviors and subjugation. This can be a defense mechanism against the fear of failure and a way to navigate the instability caused by a parent’s alcoholism.

Identity development is a crucial task during adolescence and adulthood, and for those with alcoholic parents, this process can be fraught with challenges. They may adopt foreclosed identities, basing their self-concept on the identification with significant others rather than exploring their own identity independently. This can result in rigid and intolerant attitudes, contrasting with the more flexible commitments associated with a mature identity. 

The interplay between individual interests and social contexts is key to identity recognition and development, which can be hindered by the chaotic nature of an alcoholic household.

Stability in identity synthesis and statuses is common, but developmental change, when it occurs, typically moves toward maturation in identity. However, for adult children of alcoholics, this progression can be disrupted by their early experiences, leading to a prolonged search for approval and a sense of identity that relies heavily on external validation.  

#4: A Fear of Abandonment 

Adult children of alcoholics often grapple with a deep-seated fear of abandonment, which can be traced back to the emotional or physical absence of their parents during childhood. 

This fear is not merely a psychological discomfort but a profound anxiety that can influence their adult relationships, making them prone to clinginess or a constant search for reassurance. These individuals may experience abandonment issues as a form of anxiety, which can lead to significant difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

The inconsistency in caregiving, or a parent’s prolonged absence due to alcoholism, instills a sense of insecurity from a young age. This insecurity often evolves into a persistent worry about being left alone or rejected, which can manifest in various behaviors. 

For example, individuals may become hypervigilant to perceived threats in relationships, misinterpreting well-intentioned comments as criticisms, or they may overreact to changes they cannot control.

Moreover, the long-term effects of such abandonment can contribute to mood swings, anger issues, and even the likelihood of developing mental health disorders. 

#5: Over-Responsibility and Guilt  

Adult children of alcoholics often develop a heightened sense of responsibility, leading to what is known as hyper-responsibility syndrome or toxic guilt. 

This characteristic involves taking on excessive responsibility for others’ actions, feelings, and problems, as well as experiencing persistent guilt. Such individuals may feel responsible for their parent’s alcoholism and its consequences, carrying this burden into adulthood. This can manifest in self-criticism, stress, and a compulsion to fix situations beyond their control.

Experts identify several signs of over-responsibility, including difficulty delegating tasks, feeling overwhelmed by obligations, and an incessant need to meet others’ expectations. Guilt, when experienced in a maladaptive way, can lead to psychological impairment and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Research indicates that unresolved guilt can be elicited in everyday situations, causing distress and recursive thoughts.

#6: Excitement Addiction 

Adult children of alcoholics often develop a characteristic known as an addiction to excitement. 

This trait is a psychological pattern where individuals consistently seek out thrilling experiences, potentially as a coping mechanism to distract from emotional pain or instability stemming from their upbringing. According to research, excitement-seeking behaviors can be a key component in models of addiction, including problem gambling and other risky behaviors. 

The pursuit of excitement can lead to a disregard for potentially negative consequences and is linked to sensation seeking, which is a risk factor for the development of substance use disorders.

For adult children of alcoholics, the chaotic environment of their childhood could have disrupted normal stress management and reward processing in the brain. This disruption may contribute to a heightened vulnerability to excitement addiction, wherein the individual may engage in behaviors such as gambling, which can mimic the adrenaline rush and unpredictability they experienced as children. 

Studies have shown that gambling addiction, for instance, involves dysfunctional decision-making and intense cravings, which are significant in the etiology and maintenance of the disorder.

#7: Difficulty Distinguishing Love from Pity in Relationships

Adult children of alcoholics may struggle with differentiating between love and pity, often leading to a pattern of unhealthy relationships. 

This confusion stems from their complex childhood experiences, where they may have felt responsible for the emotional well-being of an alcoholic parent. As a result, they might mistake the impulse to rescue or support someone as an indication of romantic love, rather than recognizing it as a compassionate response to another’s distress.

Understanding the nuances between love and pity is crucial for these individuals to establish healthier relationship dynamics. 

Love is a profound, affectionate attachment to another person, often characterized by mutual respect, admiration, and a desire for a shared future. By contrast, pity involves feeling sorrow for the misfortunes of others, which can sometimes lead to supportive actions but does not necessarily indicate a deeper emotional connection.

Coping Strategies for Adult Children of Alcoholics

ACOAs often develop a range of coping mechanisms as a result of their challenging upbringing. These mechanisms are strategies to manage the emotional and psychological stress stemming from a parent’s alcoholism. 

Common coping mechanisms include perfectionism, to avoid criticism and control their environment; people-pleasing, to gain approval and avoid conflict; and a heightened need for control, to counteract the chaos experienced in their childhood. Additionally, some ACOAs may engage in substance misuse themselves, which can be a maladaptive way of coping with unresolved trauma.

Support groups and therapy are crucial resources for ACOAs. 

Groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics provide a community of individuals with shared experiences, offering understanding and support. Therapy can offer a safe space to explore feelings, work through traumatic experiences, and develop healthier coping strategies. Over time, ACOAs can learn to break free from destructive patterns, establish boundaries, practice self-care, and embark on a journey of healing and growth.

It’s important to recognize that healing is a unique and personal process, and what works for one individual may not work for another. However, by understanding and addressing these coping mechanisms, ACOAs can take proactive steps towards a healthier and more fulfilling life.

Get Help for Addiction Now

For those seeking addiction or mental health treatment, The Recovery Village Indianapolis Drug and Alcohol Rehab stands as a beacon of hope. Located within the heart of Indy, we offer an array of treatment options, including medical detox and inpatient rehab for substance abuse and a residential rehab program for mental health disorders.  

When you or a loved one are ready to embark on the path to recovery, our Recovery Advocates are here, ready to assist. Reach out to learn more about our tailored treatment programs, designed to cater to your specific needs and situation.